I finally muster the courage
To jot down these lines for you
After all these years
I collect the entrapped feelings
one by one, piece by piece,
for words always fell short
for what I felt for you
They say we are perfect for each other
Used to think on the same lines
Eons ago, in the ancient times
Now I feel, we were imperfect
destined to cross to learn life’s lessons
The bygone memories
Flood my insides
Burning my flesh
Yet I stay stone cold
The way you always wanted me to be..
That boyish scratching of your head
And that kid like laughter of yours
That soul piercing gaze
Through your lean spectacles
And your failed attempts at dancing
Still bring a smile to my face
Though no more charming me
I had forgotten all that….
Always questioned my sanity
whence it came to loving kittens
Until I met you
For you adore them in equal measure
I climb the mountains alone
Unknowingly reminiscing your teachings
I lose myself in their beauty
The way you relished them
With time I have learnt to let go
Becoming ruthless once again
I often find you in the people I meet
Your essence appears in the men I fancy
Somehow, your presence always creeps back here
in the very crevices of my heart…
Their sporadic antics remind me of you
Summoning the butterflies back again
Onerous it is for me to not fall again…
But none could match you
None of them could reach deeper
They fail to understand me
The way you did
So I leave them and move on
With time the realization dawns
You complimented me
And they do not
So I leave them again
And write this to move on
You made this so effortless
Why can not they be like you?
Am I so hard to love?
For you were the only one to tear these walls
That I have built around myself
Took me years to get over you
And now
Just a few hours
Over “them”
Indifference is the word they use for me
They know not your absence taught me
To withhold my sentiments
To become stone cold
My icy interiors have forgotten love
Have forgotten care
So I love myself enough
To not need anyone else’s…..
You hold the promise of not revealing me
To no living soul ever
I am still a secret of your dark past
hidden from your current flame…
I have kept my part of the secrecy
But now I am failing
I have kept myself sane
Even after dollops of alcohol
But the gripping nostalgia
Is compelling these lines out of me
Each drop of Jack Daniels
Screams of your memories
And that day you pestered me
To savour the magic liquid
Yet I draw all strength
To not well up
Naysayers wonder that I jinxed
by writing about my fancies
So I kept these lines piled up
Because optimism never abandoned my side
“You are the flower of my life”,
This flower had forgotten to bloom
Turning into a prisoner of her mind’s doom
Now she has started blossoming again
With no yearnings for you
My absence and silence moves everyone,
why could they never move you?
Maybe they are not as stoic as you were
And now, I have become you……….