gluttonyguilts

I finally muster the courage

To jot down these lines for you

After all these years

I collect the entrapped feelings

one by one, piece by piece,

for words always fell short

for what I felt for you

 

They say we are perfect for each other

Used to think on the same lines

Eons ago, in the ancient times

Now I feel, we were imperfect

destined to cross to learn life’s lessons

 

The bygone memories

Flood my insides

Burning my flesh

Yet I stay stone cold

The way you always wanted me to be..

 

That boyish scratching of your head

And that kid like laughter of yours

That soul piercing gaze

Through your lean spectacles

And your failed attempts at dancing

Still bring a smile to my face

Though no more charming me

I had forgotten all that….

 

Always questioned my sanity

whence it came to loving kittens

Until I met you

For you adore them in equal measure

 

I climb the mountains alone

Unknowingly reminiscing your teachings

I lose myself in their beauty

The way you relished them

 

With time I have learnt to let go

Becoming ruthless once again

 

I often find you in the people I meet

Your essence appears in the men I fancy

Somehow, your presence always creeps back here

in the very crevices of my heart…

 

Their sporadic antics remind me of you

Summoning the butterflies back again

Onerous it is for me to not fall again…

 

But none could match you

None of them could reach deeper

They fail to understand me

The way you did

So I leave them and move on

 

With time the realization dawns

You complimented me

And they do not

So I leave them again

And write this to move on

 

You made this so effortless

Why can not they be like you?

Am I so hard to love?

For you were the only one to tear these walls

That I have built around myself

 

Took me years to get over you

And now

Just a few hours

Over “them”

 

Indifference is the word they use for me

They know not your absence taught me

To withhold my sentiments

To become stone cold

 

My icy interiors have forgotten love

Have forgotten care

So I love myself enough

To not need anyone else’s…..

 

You hold the promise of not revealing me

To no living soul ever

I am still a secret of your dark past

hidden from your current flame…

 

I have kept my part of the secrecy

But now I am failing

I have kept myself sane

Even after dollops of alcohol

But the gripping nostalgia

Is compelling these lines out of me

 

Each drop of Jack Daniels

Screams of your memories

And that day you pestered me

To savour the magic liquid

Yet I draw all strength

To not well up

 

Naysayers wonder that I jinxed

by writing about my fancies

So I kept these lines piled up

Because optimism never abandoned my side

 

“You are the flower of my life”,

This flower had forgotten to bloom

Turning into a prisoner of her mind’s doom

Now she has started blossoming again

With no yearnings for you

 

My absence and silence moves everyone,

why could they never move you?

Maybe they are not as stoic as you were

And now, I have become you……….

Unknown you were to me

Never knew you would set me free

That first day just went by

When our souls were nigh.

 

But the minds were still ignorant

Untainted by cupid’s currents

But fate worked its own charms

Shattering the earlier norms.

 

Our paths crossed once again

And that was the last time I was sane

The tides of time have swiftly flown

And the crossed sails of our destiny continue to get blown.

 

Your striking resemblance to a confidant

And your patient hearing of my daily rants

How my diurnal stories mesmerized you?

And when did I start counting you one among the few?

 

But my foolishness led me astray

And you wished another maiden to be my bae

My infatuation with her stirred you

And your succor came in every hue.

 

But that cruel fortnight of your absence

Compelled my heart to long for your presence

The world seemed a morose place

And life appeared a confusing maze.

 

I kept these feelings bottled up

Afraid this heart was of the tireless drubs

But your selfless care opened it again

And your last confession eased my pain

 

Others desire the freedom you have bestowed upon me

That will ensure I will never flee

These hand of yours, I will always hold

And this is how our story has been foretold.